Culture, Culture, Culture. This Overused Word May be the Secret to a Well-Lived Life.
Culture surrounds us and penetrates us. It shapes us. Best to craft it yourself. Here's the how and the why.
Growing up, we all got kicked out of the house right after breakfast. Foot to butt and out we went.
Close my eyes and I still see myself, just a little kid, racing around on my bicycle. Imagination running amok. Monsters, demons, and creatures, that lived to feed on small boys, were chasing me through the streets. They were the same monsters that lived under my bed at night. The demons that chased me as I dumped the trash in the bin behind our house. They chased with fangs bared, spitting poisons, and flicking scales. Whiplash tails struck sending sparks off the sidewalk as I pedaled furiously towards home.
I make it to the driveway of our house, hit the brakes, and slide the back wheel of my bike around in a tight arc. I’m safe. I’m home. The monsters shrink back away from our little clap-board house, hide across the street, in the bushes, waiting for their chance the next day.
My parents had created an environment in which we were all safe, and loved, and protected. And not just us. This protective shield included all of the friends, relatives, and foster children that walked through our door.
5 sisters. 1 brother. All living in a three-bedroom house. And we were never alone. Never just immediate family. We always had someone else that needed help living with us.
But no one was allowed to stay home. We all got booted out every day. We were encouraged to go out into the world and get punched in the face. Create new adventures. Get involved. Be ourselves. And then come home and get patched up.
There weren’t any witty posters on the wall with motivational quotes. No refrigerator magnets. No ‘Carpe Diem’ speeches. It was just how it was. And the way our parents wanted it to be. It was our family culture.
Home was a safe haven. The world was to be explored. Our noses were to be bloodied.
Culture is key
Why is this important? Well, in our family we were expected to fail. It wasn’t called failure. It was just a step. Or a hurdle to overcome. This is the simple motto. Get up. Nothing else matters. Except for going out and trying again. And again. And again, if necessary.
When we failed, it didn’t destroy us. It didn’t keep us down for long. We didn’t wallow in self-pity. When tragedy struck in our family, we kept on moving forward. Having a culture is a step towards stability. It can help ‘ground’ you, and guide you, when you fail, or when you have a decision to make.
This ‘culture’ influences your thoughts and your action. It needs to be defined because, whether you realize it or not, you have a guiding principle behind your life. If you don’t craft it yourself, consciously and with thought, your mind will craft it for you.
Your mind will take the path of least resistance. It’s in our DNA. We save our energy. It’s fight or flight. Flight is easier. And maybe safer in the short term but not beneficial in crafting a well-lived life. Surviving is not thriving.
How to craft a culture
In order to craft a culture, you must be able to take a critical look at yourself, in as objective, and non-biased a manner as possible, and ask the hard questions. If you are creating one for your family, you will take the same steps but with your partner. A company? Regardless of whether it is small of large, you will gather your management team, and go through the same process, in as critical a manner as possible.
It all starts with questions. Try answering these questions to build a winning culture:
What drives me? — Yes, I know it’s a stupid question, and sounds a little fuzzy-wuzzy, but it is an important starting point. What is it that motivates you? What do you value? Journaling can help ferret out answers. Meditation can help. Reading. Walking without headphones? These are all tools to aid you in determining a path. Keep asking the questions.
What are my core values? — sounds similar to #1 but it’s different. Core values are traits — like honesty, creativity, work, compassion, or innovation — that shape your approach to life? Pete Carroll, head coach of the Seattle Seahawks, has built a winning culture based upon his core values, which he defines as purpose, caring, and inclusion. It guides his approach to his relationships with his players and coaches. Using these principles, he communicates another concept that forms the backbone of his teaching philosophy and the attitude of the team. Compete! Every day and in every way. What are your values? Or what would you like them to be?
What are the moments in your life that you felt the most proud or fulfilled? — These are moments that genuinely resonated with you. These moments can be guides to what is truly important. It may be something small that only you know about. It takes self reflection. Were you truly proud of the moment, the accomplishment, or were you just happy to be recognized? There is a difference. Go deeper. It’s easy to get caught up in a dopamine cycle where we constantly seek positive feedback. This is usually an avoidance of pain and not a true core value.
Who do you admire and why? — The traits we admire in others are often the traits we value or wish to possess ourselves. Or perhaps you’d like to go the opposite route? Look at the traits of people that you feel are poor leaders or misguided? Why? What would you change in your approach if you were in their position? Individuals that resonate with you, or sicken you, can provide guideposts to what you feel is truly important.
What legacy do you want to leave behind? — You have an impact. Your actions have an impact. Positive or negative. You may not realize it, but you are influencing people. You are influencing your family. You are influencing your community. Steve Kerr — coach of the Golden State Warriors — wanted to create an atmosphere of fun. He wanted his legacy to be that he helped others to enjoy the moment, have fun like a child at play, to be in the moment. He designed the team practices to reflect this attitude. He wanted to develop and foster joy. If asked, he wanted his players to talk about the love of the game, and the joy they felt playing it under his leadership (read more about Steve Kerr and his approach to culture and legacy, in Sally Jenkins’ terrific book, The Right Call). This is the legacy he sought.
A word of caution
Culture is not a one-time creation that will last for a lifetime. You will change. Your environment may change. And while your core traits and values may remain the same — although it is important to question even these from time-to-time — the world will not remain the same. It will evolve. Our knowledge of the world will evolve. You should continue with the self-reflection. Don’t be rigid. Be flexible.
Adaptability may be a core value.
The Power of Culture
My wife and I talked a lot about how we should raise our son. We consciously developed a plan. A plan that we were forced to change and tweak as he grew up. It’s never a straight path. But we kept to a single principle that we wanted to live by and instill in our son.
Work. It all takes work. Period.
He’s a smart kid. Perfect score on his SAT. Accepted into every college he applied for. He never received anything but A’s. Teachers loved him.
I never congratulated him on any grade he ever got. Not a single ‘atta-boy.’ Not - ‘I’m proud of you for making the honor society.’ Not - ‘way-to-make-an-‘A’, praise. Never.
But I did tell him I was proud of the work. And he did work. He was prepared for every class he ever walked into. His homework was always done, and he sought out and studied supplemental material that might help him understand a topic in more detail.
This effort got praise. A hand on the shoulder. A high-five and a hug. We worked hard to ensure our actions reflected our values.
The results will come if the effort is there. It’s just a matter of time. Don’t praise a result that hasn’t been earned. You are rewarding the wrong thing.
Reward the work. Work was and is the value we wanted to reinforce.
And likewise, if the effort is there but the results haven’t shown up, don’t rebuke, reward the work.
This was a conscious decision my wife and I made. We expected our son to work. We expected each other to work.
Sometimes we’ve failed. I’ve failed. We’ve got our ‘noses metaphorically bloodied’. But we keep working and improving because we have our family culture. And our culture has nothing to do with results. It has to do with effort. It has to do with work.
There is no right or wrong here. Except, perhaps, to ignore your need to create your own culture, to identify your core values, and match your actions to your beliefs. Remember, you are living according to a code. But is it a code you developed? Or is it an unconscious code of avoidance?
How will you live your life?
Think about it…
Da Vinci was staring into a well and dropped a rock. The water splashed and rippled with waves. The waves rolled out in concentric circles, getting smaller as they traveled outward, until they disappeared.
At the same time, a bell from a nearby church rang. By focusing on the ripples in the well, and listening to the ringing of the bell, he noticed the sound started loudly and gradually faded. He connected the two. This observation led to the discovery that sound traveled in waves. Just like the ripples across a pond.
This is how our brains work. If you present your brain with two items, you will connect them. Chocolate and peanut butter. If you look at the clouds you think fluffy. Clouds become pillows. Then marshmallows and cotton balls. Cotton candy.
We are always searching for connections. Words to actions. Values to culture. Respect and fairness. Promises and deliverables. The brain thrives on connections but also congruence especially in basic areas of trust and social interactions.
When our leaders words do not match their actions, it hurts our brains. We distrust. Sometimes just the person. Sometimes the institution. This is painful. It creates stress.
We try and fix the connection. We scream fake news. Or create us against them scenarios.
It’s time to embrace a little pain and address the disconnect between actions we see in our leaders and the words they like to spout.
It may fix our brains.
Do it…
Sorry for the rambling newsletter today. Maybe I should have a better match between my writing and my editing. I’ll work on it.
Watch: Go watch Dumb Money this weekend. It’s well done, entertaining, and also a little infuriating.
Reading: Hidden Genius by Polina Marinova Pompliano. She also has a great newsletter, The Profile. I highly recommend it.
Eating: Rice and beans in one pot. It’s simple and delicious.
Exercising: JiuJitsu Saturday morning. Run/walking still at 6:30 every morning.
Stuff for the secret jock inside of everyone…
NFL: (as usual, if you use this for betting purposes, you’re probably going to lose.)
Last week’s record: 7 - 7 (another bad week. Looking back I went with my heart over my brain a little too much. We’ll see how this week shakes out.)
Season’s Record: 58 - 30
Week 6:
Broncos vs. Chiefs - Chiefs
Ravens vs. Titans - Ravens it’s in London so I get to wake up, run, take a shower, make coffee, and get to football. Love it.
Panthers vs. Dolphins - Dolphins, another easy one and blow out for the Dolphins
Saints vs. Texans - Saints
Commanders vs. Falcons - Falcons
Colts vs. Jaguars - Jaguars, as long as they don’t get jet lag. Been in London for two weeks.
Seahawks vs. Bengals - Bengals in a close one.
Vikings vs. Bears - Bears
49ers vs. Browns - 49ers but close.
Patriots vs. Raiders - Raiders
Lions vs. Buccaneers - Lions
Cardinals vs. Rams - Rams
Eagles vs. Jets - Jets
Giants vs. Bills - Bills, in a blow out.
Cowboys vs. Chargers - Cowboys