Do You Want to Join the 'No-Asshole Club'?
Membership is now open to a select few.
They say if you see a problem, and you fix the problem, riches will be spewed upon your feet and other various body parts. So, in my attempt to follow all of the online wisdom I encounter, I keep my eyes open. How can I monetize? What problems do we need solved as a community, as a society, as human beings?
I think I discovered our main problem and I’m here to fix it.
We have too many assholes amongst us.
I’m now announcing the new and modern, highly exclusive, highly selective, creation of the ‘No-Asshole Club’. Get accepted and your life will immediately be filled with joy and happiness.
Before applying for a membership please review our policies and guidelines below. We are very strict on adherence to membership requirements. We will not make exceptions for any disadvantages, such as being born with a silver spoon stuck up your ass, or being forced into detention at an ivy league school, or your vehicle needs a step-ladder to get into and you don’t work on a farm. Doesn’t matter. You have to earn your way into our club.
Membership Eligibility
1.1 Red Flag Identifiers: Sometimes it can be obvious when you are dealing with an asshole. In these cases, we will ruthlessly eliminate you and keep your $50 application fee. Disqualifiers may be but are not limited to the following: If every sentence you speak is about you, if you’re the loudest in every room you are in, if you are dressed head-to-toe in designer clothes that match, if you have sunglasses that cost more than $75, if you have a comb-over (c’mon, bald is beautiful), if your vehicle spouts black exhaust (yes, we have cameras in the parking lot and will be watching you from the moment you are on property), if you’re a flat-earther, an anti vaxxer, a Kid Rock fan, etc.
1.2 Personality test: We will put you to the test. You don’t have to be ‘nice’ to pass but you will be required to understand the word kindness. You will be tested on your relationship with the truth. Some sample questions we may use are listed below:
You make a statement that is proven to be wrong. Do you say:
A) Wow, that’s an interesting point. Let me do some more research on the issue.
B) Bullshit, that’s fake news.
C) Fuck you. I’m never wrong.
You arrive late for an event. Do you:
A) Slip in quietly, sit in the back, and start taking notes.
B) You make a grand entrance exclaiming sorry, sorry, but I’m here now.
C) Blame traffic, the weather, and the organizers, and then ask for everything to be re-started from the beginning.
When someone shares good news with you, do you:
A) Sincerely congratulate them.
B) Fake smile, and then one-up them with some real or imagined accomplishment of yours.
C.) Point out all of the challenges and the downside surely to follow.
These questions are just an example. Full test is 100 questions long. We’ve found that most assholes can’t focus that long. If you can’t complete the test or fill in the blanks in a recognizable pattern, you’re out.
1.3 You’re out if we just don’t like you.
Code of Conduct
2.1 Respectful interaction: Yes, we do want you to express yourself in an authentic way. Anyone that agrees with anything because they want to be a part of the group is booted. But, we expect civility. Listen most. Speak less. Ask questions to understand.
2.2 Language etiquette: We don’t mind you dropping an f-bomb on occassion. However, language should be used to include, and to educate, and maybe to entertain. It should not be used to exclude. We’ll do the exclusions. Also no profanity for profanity’s sake. You better fucking have a reason for saying fuck.
2.3 Event Behavior: We will have some events and maybe a party or two. We will not have any golf outings. You are expected to be on time. You are expected to participate if you attend. ‘Sloppy drunks’ will be kicked out. Gropers will have a pinkie, of your choice, amputated in a secret ceremony. Behave yourself.
Enforcement Mechanism
3.1 The strict, no-exception, three strike rule: You know when you are being an asshole. See rules above for clarification.
Strike 1: You will gently be pulled aside and your assholiness will be pointed out. We may give you some materials to help you become more thoughtful.
Strike 2: We will issue a formal and public rebuke. We will assign you a mentor within the group to help guide you into the light.
Strike 3: You’re out. But first we will Quentin Tarantino you. We do not want others to unknowingly be harmed by you. We will tattoo (if we carved it, then we’d be the asshole) a big “A’hole” onto your forehead. It’s a public service. You can get it removed but we recommend you wear it with pride.
FAQ’s
What happens if I’m accidentally an asshole? We don’t demand perfection. Only assholes are constantly seeking perfection. We realize you may slip up from time to time. We are focused on chronic behavior.
Can former and reformed assholes apply? Yes, we believe in second chances. However, you may be required to attend an ‘No-Asshole Conversion Camp’. We need to see real remorse.
Are there on-going fees? No, but you will be required to commit a minimum number of random acts of kindness per week.
How do I know if I’m an asshole? Well, if you think everyone around you is an asshole then you are the asshole. And conversely, if you think everyone around you is perfect and not to be questioned, then again, it’s you. Or you can just apply and take the test. We’ll let you know.
How does this compare to other clubs I’ve joined? If you’re in a club, you’re an asshole. Save yourself $50. But if you hang out with a group of like-minded friends there may be hope for you.
Will my social media content count against me? Hell, yes. Cyber-bullying, or lots of humble-brags, or being controversial to get views, or any affiliation with X and you will not qualify for our club.
This club sounds a little exclusionary. Is it? Damn straight skippy.
This is the initial information and requirements we will subject each applicant to upon their completion of an application. These requirements may be adjusted at any time based solely upon our mood. Please feel free to join. Or ask questions.
But be careful. You may find out the truth.
Think About it…
Hmm. Not a lot of thinking going on lately. Let’s keep this simple. You’ve heard this before, but:
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
― Friedrich Nietzsche
Do it…
This is a critical weekend. Let’s call it a refresh weekend. You can’t fix the world’s problems at once. It’s just one foot in front of the other. And whether you are happy or sad right now, we still have problems we have to address. And it’s up to us.
Walk it: Do a walk each day. Want to notch up the intensity? Try this: walk for 3 minutes taking long stride, and stepping heel first, and using bigger arm movements. Then walk normal for 3 minutes. Do this 5 times. You don’t need a timer. Just count to 180. It’s close enough. Got headphones in? Then walk with long strides to a single song. And walk normal to a single song.
Read it: Just something fun. Read an old favorite. Any old favorite. Like mysteries? Try the new Armande Gamache story. The Grey Wolf by Louise Penny. She’s a master.
Watch it: Lots of good stuff coming this month. Here are a few.
The Day of the Jackal - It was a book first and then a movie. It starts today. I’m all over this one.
Cross - I’m not a huge Patterson fan but this one looks good and a little darker than the books.
Silo - Loved season 1. We get 10 more episodes for season 2. It’s dystopian. It’s sci-fi.
Dune:Prophecy - More Dune? Can’t get enough. This story details the beginning of the Bene Gesserit. Girl power.
Arcane: Season 2 - I’m most excited for this show. It starts on Saturday on Netflix. It’ll be difficult for me not to go crazy and watch this in one setting. But I’ll spread it out a little. If you’re not familiar or missed it the first time around you still have time to catch up. It’s worth it.
Breathe it: Focus on your breath this weekend. Breath through your nose as often as possible. Even if you have to tape your mouth shut. It’ll help.
If you want to check out some great reading list and see which books have influenced, surprised, educated, and entertained me, check out my book shop here. The lists grow monthly and I don’t recommend any books I haven’t personally read. Or use my book recommendation engine and specific author chatbots. Check it out. It’s fun.