Kindness Means Being Rude From Time to Time
You’re not being kind if you always default to politeness.
I can’t say that I was nervous, but I was bristling with energy. I couldn’t stop smiling. Or stand still. The room was max’ed-out, filled with small business owners, all expecting me to tell them how to keep their businesses afloat after Home Depot moved into their neighborhood.
We’d planned on about 100 people. Well over 500 showed up. We moved the event into the gym to accommodate the group.
I was only 26 but had traveled the country visiting 100’s of garden centers, hardware stores, and Home Depot and Lowe’s stores. I had a plan. Someone slapped a microphone in my hand, and I was off, talking much too fast, as I wandered back and forth across the front of the gym. Arms waving, eyes glaring, righteous indignation sparked off my body. I spoke of a retail war between the Mom-n-Pop shops and the Big Box Stores.
The room was mostly quiet, and I could see some head-bobs and smiles, maybe a chuckle or two, as I racked up point after point. Every eye was on me.
And my fly was down the entire time.
Not just down, but with the tail end of my white button-down-shirt sticking out the front of my pants, bobbing around like a conductor’s baton, as I spoke with all the sincerity I could muster for my cause.
Not one person had said, “Hey, check the barn door.” Or zip up. Or your fly’s down. Not one.
We are trained to be polite. Politeness is like a shield. It reduces confrontation. It reduces embarrassment. It reduces the need for meaningful conversation that could lead to understanding.
I’m not advocating being an asshole. Please, hold the door open for the person behind you. Smile. Say thank you. Apologize with sincerity if you’ve wronged someone. But don’t mistake politeness for kindness.
Kindness starts with empathy but is grounded in respect.
Conversations today seem like a battleground. It’s zero-sum game with a definite loser and a winner. You’re unlikely to change anyone’s mind. So why speak at all?
You act because you care. You respect each individual’s potential as a human being. We all have room for growth and development. But true growth and progress comes from daily improvement. We need feedback. It isn’t easy to recognize our own faults. Feedback should be respectfully delivered and respectfully received.
You have to care. Apathy has a way of creeping into our lives. You don’t care enough to speak out. You don’t believe it will make a difference. You blame the system.
You go-along to get-along.
But speaking up shows you care. You care about the cause. About your friend. Your group. You care because you take action. Get rude.
Kindness is action.
Do unto others. It requires action. It’s lending a helping hand. And it’s hard. Calling someone out at a dinner party because they mixed up a fact or two is not being kind or polite. Nor does it create meaningful action that leads to self-improvement.
Telling them they have kale stuck between their teeth is a kindness. It requires action. You point it out. They remove it.
Now, pointing out a renegade chunk of kale won’t create any earth-shattering epiphanies but discussing a misguided principle, or error of judgement, or an inaccurate factual belief may.
It can be viewed as impolite. It’s not. As long as it’s presented in a manner that seeks understanding. It’s not an attack. It’s a chance to create change.
A friend tells me I’m going to hell.
My friend looked at me and said, “I love you man but you’re going to hell.” He meant it literally. We’d grown up together. Played sports together. Partied together. But my friend now had a family with small children and had started attending church with his wife. He had changed his life and put it on a religious path of redemption. He seemed happy.
I smiled at him. He wasn’t yelling at me or belittling me. In fact, he seemed a little sad. He was just communicating his new belief. It took courage. But he did it respectfully. He was concerned about me. I listened.
I didn’t explode at him. Or yell. Or tell my friend he was an idiot. I listened. This is important. If you want people to speak to you respectfully, listen respectfully. Otherwise, you may miss an opportunity for growth and understanding.
When he was done, I just said, “I love you too.” I didn’t join his church. Or any church. I didn’t change my life in any significant way. But I did reflect upon my beliefs. This was a blessing. And it came from an act of kindness.
We remain friends. We talk often. We are brutally honest with each other.
It’s a kindness to speak freely and openly with love and respect even though our lifestyles are different.
Nice is the worse.
Most people wouldn’t have started a conversation with you’re going to hell. Most people are ‘nice’. Nothing wrong with nice until it gets in the way of honesty. Nice covers all manner of sins. It gets you out of confrontations.
Usually.
But nice masks true feelings and intent. It is staid and boring.
You’re not shooting for ‘nice’. You want adventure or romance or mystery. You want to make an impact. Nice makes people feel good today. It’s not about feeling better in a single moment. It’s about doing and saying whatever will help people get better today and tomorrow.
And the day after.
Being nice is in your DNA.
Back in the days of bear-skin togas, being part of a group was life-or-death. Part of a group and you survived, had food, and a chance to mate. Loners didn’t make it. They became food. Rules and etiquette were developed to ensure harmony within the group, to homogenize behavior. You don’t want to be kicked out, or laughed at, or singled out. So, you go-along to get-along.
You fear speaking out because it separates you from the group. You stand alone. Everyone is looking at you. When you are part of the group, speaking the pablum, you don’t have to worry about the meaning of your words. They have no meaning. They are just words.
Meaningful words, and answers, take thoughtfulness and action to have value.
Speaking out feels dangerous. It’s a rebellion.
Politeness starts with inaction but is grounded in fear.
Pretty please, don’t embarrass anyone. Don’t tell them their opinion isn’t grounded in reality. Don’t act. The trap here is in the not. Not rocking the boat. Not breaking etiquette. Not speaking out.
You fear speaking out because it may cause embarrassment for you and for others. But which is more concerning? Are you too polite to cause someone a moment of discomfort? Or are you more concerned with putting yourself in an uncomfortable position?
Yes, some groups scream and yell at the top of their lungs, pushing buttons, and rattling cages. But within the group, it is all yes sirs, and no ma’ams, sticking to the norm, the group protocol, to ensure a politeness. There can be no deviation from the norm within the group.
This ‘sticking to the norm’ is crouched as loyalty. Think for yourself and you are branded as an enemy.
Its monkey see. Its monkey do. Or rather monkey not-see. Monkey not-do.
Change does not occur with not. It does not happen with inaction.
Politeness maintains the status quo.
Why is this all so hard?
Difficult conversations change our brain chemistry.
Hard-talk triggers your stress hormones. The very thought of a confrontational conversation will trigger your stress hormones. Cortisol spikes. Blood pressure zooms. Heart pounds.
Your brain tops off your dopamine level.
These changes directly affect your emotional and cognitive abilities.
You’re in a heightened, emotional state. Ready to rip out somebody’s throat or roll over like a puppy with your belly to the sky.
Neither is helpful.
The longer the conversation goes the more emotional you become. Dopamine levels begin dropping from peak levels. Your prefrontal cortex — which controls your impulse control — becomes more engaged. It becomes more challenging to maintain focus and make rational decisions.
Trying to defend your position is an emotional fight-or-flight response. It’s a death match.
Or so your brain tells you.
It triggers your neurotransmitters. It activates your stress responses. And it engages specific brain regions that manage cognitive and emotional swings.
You’re a mess.
Understand it. Take your time in responding. Breathe.
How to tell someone they’ve full of shit in a kind manner.
It starts with listening. You can’t show compassion or respect for someone without taking the time to understand them. You don’t have to agree but you have to listen. Active listening creates empathy which creates trust. If you haven’t listened, you don’t really know if they are full of shit. Maybe it’s you that’s full of shit. Listen.
Communicate in a manner that shows you have listened to them. - Don’t make it personal. It’s not about them. It’s about their actions. It’s about a belief. It’s about that rally they’ve supported, or last tequila shot they slammed, or person they are dating. Understand and respond to the topic and not to the emotions of the conversation.
Rephrase the conversation. - Start with “What I think you are saying is….” It can create common ground and clear up miscommunications. It shows you’ve listened.
Add in a little tactical mirroring. - Mirroring involves repeating or copying the last few words a person says. Mirroring also includes copying body language or tone of voice or vocabulary usage.
Person 1: Leaning back in their chair with one leg crossed over their knee says, “I’m really frustrated by…”
Person 2: Relaxes their position, puts his arm on the top edge of the chair and says, “I know this is frustrating for you…”
And they’re off. But be careful. Be sensitive. Mirroring shouldn’t be so exact that it appears you are mocking. It must be sincere. Remember empathy.
Try ‘I-stuff’. - Some, “I get worried when…” or “I’m afraid that …”
It’s not the time for:
‘You’re stupid’.
Or how can you believe that bullshit.
Or have you really thought this through?
All sure-fired conversation stoppers and neither polite or kind or effective.
Politeness vs. kindness.
Let’s be kind and break it down to the basics.
Politeness is inactive and fear based. Fear of reprisals. Fear of discomfort. Fear of deviating from the norm. Don’t let fear rule.
Kindness is active. It’s based on respect and empathy. Respect for others and respect for yourself. Be proactive. It’s more honest.
Start with respect. Listen. Communicate with empathy. Be honest. Honesty is kindness.
It’s your choice.
Think About it…
The first day of a new job is filled with paperwork. You sign your name over and over again.
You get a booklet. An insurance card. A swipe card.
You get instructions and a detailed job description. You’re given a set of responsibilities. You get to work.
What is your job as a human?
Perhaps your first job is to determine the type of person you will be. Create your own list of responsibilities. Create a code of conduct.
Developing a ‘code of ethics’ should be essential to living a good life. It’ll guide you with the many difficult decisions you will be faced with on a day-to-day basis.
Will you lie? Cheat? Steal? Or permit it in others?
Will you cause harm to others? Will you put yourself before all others?
Or will you stand up and do your ‘job’?
Please, create your own ‘code’.
And get to work.
Be kind.
Do It…
Watch it: This is a weird one. It might be the worse movie ever made yet it has a thumbs up from Roger Ebert and an Academy Award winning cast that includes; Marlon Brando, Richard Burton, John Huston, James Coburn, Walter Matthau, John Astin, Ringo Star, and Sugar Ray Robinson (the greatest boxer that ever lived). It also stars Ewa Aulin, Miss Teen Sweden in 1968, playing the titular character of the film; Candy Christian. It has no plot but the book - yes, it’s also a crazy book written by Terry Southern and Mason Hoffenberg - was based upon the classic Candide. Or so they claim. It is racist, misogynistic, and patriarchal. It’s satire. It’s a sex-comedy without any sexiness. Fantasy? Adventure? How’d this movie get made? One of the writers, Terry Southern, is on the album cover of Sergeant Pepper Lonely Hearts Club Band. He’s the guy with the sun glasses. So much talent.
Check it out if you dare. It’s Candy made in 1968. You will be offended. Or you’ll laugh.
Here’s Roger Ebert’s review from 1968.
Read it: Wolf Hall by Hilary Mantel. Mantel adds the spice to history. #3 on New York Times list of Greatest Books in the 21st Century.
Learn from it: It’s short and punchy. Lying by Sam Harris.
Big lies have led many people to reflexively distrust those in positions of authority. As a consequence, it is now impossible to say anything of substance on climate change, environmental pollution, human nutrition, economic policy, foreign conflicts, pharmaceuticals, and dozens of other subjects without a significant percentage of one's audience expressing paralyzing doubts about even the most reputable sources of information. Our public discourse appears permanently riven by conspiracy theories. p. 46, Lying by Sam Harris.
If you want to check out some great reading list and see which books have influenced, surprised, educated, and entertained me, check out my book shop here. The lists grow monthly and I don’t recommend any books I haven’t personally read. Or use my book recommendation engine and specific author chatbots. Check it out. It’s fun.