The Difference Between Honesty and the Truth
Telling it like-it-is is not honest and certainly not truthful.
Long ago, in a strange, formal, wear-a-starched-shirt-and-tie-to-work land was a thing called The Office Party. It was a chance to mingle with the muckity-mucks, sometimes called upper management. Drinks, finger foods, and inappropriate comments were passed around and free flowing.
You wore your best.
I was ready to go in my blue pinstriped suit, pinkish tie, spit-polished shoes. But I was waiting for my girlfriend.
She walked out, looked at me, smiled, and asked, “How do I look?”
Here are the acceptable answers to this question (at least if you want to get to the party on time):
You look beautiful.
Honey, you are so much more than a dress but, yeah, you’re beautiful.
(Smile) You look perfect.
You’re red-carpet material.
Smokin’ hot. Just standing next to you will probably get me that promotion.
What I said:
“That’s not my favorite dress.”
Honest. Stupid, but honest.
How honesty differs from the truth
Truth is real. It’s real events, real facts that can be verified, and proven correct. It’s not opinion. It’s not a belief no matter how ardently you believe. No matter how loud you shout it out. If it can’t be shown as a correct statement, then it’s not a fact and not the truth.
The truth doesn’t concern itself with right or wrong or being virtuous. It is about correctness.
Often the truth is a set of facts. It’s not called the whole truth for nothing. And to be truthful you need to communicate all the facts and not cherry pick those that are best suited to confirming your beliefs.
Honesty is being sincere and having a belief, an earnestness, that what you are saying is the truth. An honesty is a refusal to lie and to deceive.
Brutal honesty is not truthful
What I should have said to my girlfriend, soon to be ex-girlfriend, was something more thoughtful.
More honest.
I’m not a fashion expert. I’m a tee-shirt and jeans guy. Dressing up is easy for guys. Just grab a suit. You might not be cutting edge but it is certainly respectable if a little boring.
I never spent more than 5 minutes thinking about I was going to wear.
I didn’t understand the thought she had put into selecting her dress.
Should have said something like:
I don’t know jack about dresses but I think you’re beautiful. It’s not my favorite dress but I’m always happy to have you next to me.
Her real question wasn’t really about the dress.
It was, “Hey, are you going to abandon me at this party where I don’t know anyone and run off and talk to your bosses and do shots with the warehouse team while I stand in a corner, sip chardonnay, and eat meatballs off toothpicks?”
Giving a blunt answer to a sincere question on a subject I didn’t really know anything about may have been honest, but it wasn’t truthful.
Opinions are not facts.
Blunt answers are used to close conversations down. They are not used to try and understand another’s viewpoint.
Blunt answers are not honest.
Lies vs. Little White Lies
Everyone lies.
But not everyone is dishonest. Most of us try and live our lives in a truthful and honest manner.
But it’s hard.
Let’s say my 10 year-old son has written a story about a ghost that lives in our refrigerator and eats only mustard and pickles. He runs it over to me and asks for me to read it.
It sucks.
But I don’t tell him that. I point out the creativity and the effort and ask him if he liked writing it.
He did. He becomes an English major with multiple short stories published.
Acceptable white lie.
Now, let’s say I have a friend that’s 40 years old. He’s been trying to write for years but hasn’t been successful. His writing hasn’t improved.
Same style. Same technique. Same boring results.
He doesn’t take care of himself or respect his craft.
What do you say to him?
Not an acceptable time for a white lie.
Time for a kick in the ass.
I tell him it sucks. If you want to be a writer, get a teacher. Write everyday. Send out stories.
Do the work!
You’re not improving.
Get a job. Get out of your parent’s house. Write at night. Write at lunch. Write on your break.
It’s my honest opinion. But it’s not meant to hurt.
Santa Claus and other untruths
Spoiler alert, Santa Claus isn’t real. You are lying to your kids. He doesn’t drop off presents to every house on Christmas eve.
But Santa can be a valuable tradition.
It is the difference between factual truth and moral truth. Santa doesn’t stuff our stockings but as a representation of the spirit of giving, and kindness, and love, we can learn truths about ourselves and an approach to the world.
As a father, I tried to answer all the questions my son asked - and he asked a lot - in an honest and age-appropriate manner. So, when he asked one Christmas, “Do I still need to act like I believe in Santa to get presents?” I said no, Santa’s not real, and this led into a discussion about the meaning of Christmas, the myth of Santa, and the birth of Jesus.
All in our own particular way.
An honest conversation.
Try Aesop’s tale of The Tortoise and the Hare. The hare just ain’t going to ever lose to a tortoise. It’s not meant to be the literal truth. It is meant to teach us a lesson on humility, and persistence, and showing respect to our competitors.
Or maybe it’s just teaching us not to be a cocky asshole.
Either way, a moral truth — which can differ from person to person — is meant to help us navigate the world within us. They are used to help us with our feelings, and our attitudes, and our behaviors. They are meant to help us form and shape our values.
Interpreting stories meant to be learned as moral truths into the literal truths creates chaos.
Factual truth helps us understand the world.
Moral truth helps us understand ourselves.
Shouting louder or using all-caps does not make it true
Just because you say it loudly and with all the conviction in the world doesn’t make it true. You may have the best intentions and believe it with all your heart but, belief, does not make it true.
It may make you honest.
But it doesn’t make you right.
Or truthful.
Using the truth to deceive
The difference between truth and honesty often comes down to intention. Choosing to deceive or mislead using the facts is dishonest. It’s also becoming an art form.
If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell. — Carl Sandburg
Beware of these forms of deception:
Cherry Picking — Used by unscrupulous marketers, politicians, and other snake oil type salespeople. And loud shouting types. It’s selecting a fact from a report or study that supports your point but neglects to give the full context or mention the facts that do not.
Example: Pat the kangaroo is the new mascot for the local college. Enrollment increases by 25%. Must be Pat the kangaroo. But a scholarship program and a new dorm were added at the same time. Truthful that admissions went up when Pat came on board but not honest.
Small sample sizes — creating claims based on a very small group and using it to extrapolate greater success across a large population.
Example: New miracle drug for weight loss is tested on 10 people. Everyone loses weight. And the company markets the product as 100% effective. Dishonest. The sample size is too small to make any generalizations.
Out of context — Pulling a single line of content out of a 5-page report or study or interview and using it to support an alternative theory is dishonest. Same for quotes. Easy to create a little clickbait.
Example: In an interview with a young Brad Pitt, he described some of the jobs he had before acting. In one job, he was a driver and often drove strippers to parties. One dancer recommended an acting coach to Brad that ended up helping Brad in his career. The interviewer then asked, “So, a stripper changed the course of your life?” And Brad, laughing, answered, “Strippers changed my life.” Headline the next day was, Brad Pitt: Strippers Changed My Life. A dishonest representation.
The telling-it-like-it-is crowd — used by bullies and bullshitters everywhere. It’s usually a sign that the speaker refuses to listen to anyone else, is trying to control the narrative and shut down any responses that do not support them. It’s often used to create a position of authority. Often combined with belittling or aggressive statements. It’s not used to communicate or be truthful but to injure.
How to determine truth, and honesty, from the bullshit
We all have built in BS meters. Problem is our first instinct is to believe. We trust other humans. It’s instinctual. If we called everyone a liar, we’d never be able to join the group.
And we’ve always needed groups.
It makes us vulnerable.
In place of a portable liar detector try these techniques to ferret out the bullshit, from the truth, from honesty.
Check the source — If it’s a truth it will have a verifiable source. No source? Likely bullshit. Plus, the source will be complete. You’ll get the whole story. Check for any omissions of facts.
Are there multiple sources — quality and quantity of sources are important. The Wall Street Journal and the New York Times are more reputable than Billy Bob’s Blog. Dig. Can it be verified in multiple sources?
Think — Does it make sense? Is the speaker biased? What are their intentions? Use your head. It’s there for a purpose. It’s our greatest weapon.
I should have learned my lesson
Long ago in a land of early wedded bliss, my wife walked down the stairs. We were going to dinner. She was about three months pregnant and just beginning to show.
“I’m getting so big,” she said.
She wasn’t.
My response?
“Not as big as you’re going to get, honey.”
Should have gone with the “You’re beautiful.”
Think About It…
Lying sucks. Worse when its our leaders that lie. Or someone we trust. It damages us, our relationships, and society.
Read it: Lying by Sam Harris
Some highlights and the results from leaders lying:
Erosion of Trust
Undermining Credibility: When leaders lie, it erodes the trust that others place in them. Loss of integrity is rarely regained. This loss can be devastating for a leader's ability to influence and guide others. Not everyone will believe the lie. It’ll shatter a team.
Ripple Effect on Relationships: Lies don't just affect the immediate relationship between the leader and those they lie to. They can have a ripple effect, causing people to question past interactions and future statements. Now your a liar. Everything will come into question.
Societal Impact
Widespread Distrust: The lies of the powerful lead us to distrust governments and corporations and even science. This erosion of trust in institutions .
Hindering Progress: When leaders lie about important issues, it can impede progress and create unnecessary confusion. The example of Andrew Wakefield's fraudulent study linking vaccines to autism demonstrates how lies can have devastating public health consequences, making it "very difficult to spread the truth" even after the lie is exposed.
Personal and Professional Consequences
Self-Destruction: Many high-profile leaders have faced severe personal and professional consequences due to their lies. Harris points out how figures like "Tiger Woods, John Edwards, Eliot Spitzer, Anthony Wiener" have destroyed "their marriages, careers, and reputations by saying one thing and doing another".
Ongoing Complications: Lies often require more lies to maintain, creating a web of deception that becomes increasingly difficult to manage. As Harris states, "every lie haunts our future. There is no telling when or how it might collide with reality, requiring further maintenance" [1].
Ethical Considerations
Assault on Autonomy: Harris argues that lying is fundamentally disrespectful, stating, "Every lie is a direct assault upon the autonomy of those we lie to" . This is particularly problematic for leaders, who are entrusted with power over others.
Integrity and Self-Respect: Maintaining integrity is crucial for leaders. Harris suggests that having integrity means "to avoid behavior that readily leads to shame or remorse" . Leaders who lie may struggle with their own self-respect and ethical standing.
Lies are the social equivalent of toxic waste—everyone is potentially harmed by their spread. Sam Harris
Read it yourself and come to your own opinion.
Do It…
Plan it: Planning a big 4th of July party this weekend? Really, it’s not too late. Use these 10 tips to make it a huge hit.
Curate the Guest List: Build it around your core group first whether it’s family or friends. 8 - 10 is a good start. They ask a few newbies. They’ll bring friends along so be prepared for impromptu arrivals.
Create a Welcoming Community: Even in your core group, they may not know each other. Make intros. Parties are to have fun and meet new people. They’ll love it.
Send Invites and Collect RSVPs: Too late for this weekend but it’ll build excitement for future parties.
Let the Food Guide the Tableware: Use contrasting textures and colors to complement the style of your menu, or stick to classic white tablecloths for a more formal feel.
Bring the Inside Out: Treat the outdoor space like a regular room, adding rugs, cushions, and lighting to create an inviting atmosphere.
Pay Attention to the Bar: Set up a well-stocked, shaded bar area with the right tools and glassware. Consider pre-batched cocktails to save time. Also make pick a cool beer cooler. Lots of things better than an Igloo cooler to drop your beer into. Be creative.
Serve Like a Pro: Practice your bartending skills. Don’t need to make everything. Set a menu. Keep it simple. Make it right. Need tips and recipes? Ask our bartending chatbot.
Keep Guests Engaged: Put them to work. Yes, give them a drink and a snack but early arrivals need something to do. It’ll make them invested in the party. And prep some outdoor games. Horseshoes, Cornhole, or Bocce are all easy to set up and fun to play.
Maintain the Vibe: Change the music, offer shots or desserts, and keep the energy high every 20 minutes.
Enjoy Yourself as the Host: Remember, it’s a party. Have fun.
Drink it: Tequila Ocho - squeeze a half of lime in, pour a splash of soda water, and sprinkle a little sea salt on top. It’s the perfect drink for a hot 4th of July weekend. But if you’re more of a full blown margarita person - 5 ways to make a margarita.
Watch it: Keeping it low key? Grab your Tequila Ocho simple margarita and check out MaXXXine. It’s A24’s latest and a sequel-ish follow up to X.
If you want to check out some great reading list and see which books have influenced, surprised, educated, and entertained me, check out my book shop here. The lists grow monthly and I don’t recommend any books I haven’t personally read. There’s also a book recommendation engine. Check it out.