Well, If I'm Being Honest...
Prepare yourself for a lie.
Long ago, in a strange, formal, wear-a-starched-shirt-and-tie-to-work land was a thing called The Office Party. It was a chance to mingle with the muckity-mucks, sometimes called upper management. Drinks, finger foods, and inappropriate comments were passed around and free-flowing.
You wore your best.
I was ready to go in my blue pinstriped suit, pinkish tie, spit-polished shoes. But I was waiting for my girlfriend.
She walked out, looked at me, smiled, and asked, “How do I look?”
Here are the acceptable answers to this question (at least if you want to get to the party on time):
You look beautiful.
Honey, you are so much more than a dress but, yeah, you’re beautiful.
(Smile) You look perfect.
You’re red-carpet material.
Smokin’ hot. Just standing next to you will probably get me that promotion.
What I said:
That’s not my favorite dress.
Honest. Stupid, but honest.
How honesty differs from the truth
Truth is real. It’s real events, real facts that can be verified, and proven correct. It’s not opinion. It’s not a belief no matter how ardently you believe. No matter how loud you shout it out. If it can’t be shown as a correct statement, then it’s not a fact, and not the truth.
The truth doesn’t concern itself with right or wrong or being virtuous. It is about correctness.
Often the truth is a set of facts. It’s not called the whole truth for nothing. And to be truthful you need to communicate all the facts and not cherry pick those that are best suited to confirm your beliefs.
Honesty is being sincere and having a belief, an earnestness, that what you are saying is the truth. It’s a refusal to lie and to deceive.
Brutal honesty is not truthful
What I should have said to my girlfriend, soon to be ex-girlfriend, was something more thoughtful.
More honest.
I’m not a fashion expert. I’m a tee-shirt and jeans guy. Dressing up is easy for guys. Just grab a suit. You might not be cutting edge but it is certainly respectable if a little boring.
I never spent more than 5 minutes thinking about I was going to wear.
I didn’t understand the thought she had put into selecting her dress. What the hell did I know about fashion anyway.
Should have said something like:
You know I’m not a fashion expert, and I don’t know jack about dresses, and I think you’re beautiful. It’s not my favorite dress but I’m always happy to have you next to me.
Her real question wasn’t really about the dress.
It was, “Hey, are you going to abandon me at this party where I don’t know anyone and run off and talk to your bosses and do shots with the warehouse team while I stand in a corner, sip chardonnay, and eat meatballs off toothpicks?”
Giving a blunt answer to a sincere question on a subject I didn’t really know anything about may have been honest, but it wasn’t truthful.
Opinions are not facts.
Blunt answers are used to close conversations down. They are not used to try and understand another’s viewpoint.
Blunt answers are not honest.
Lies vs. Little White Lies
Everyone lies.
But not everyone is dishonest. Most of us try and live our lives in a truthful and honest manner.
But it’s hard.
Let’s say my 10 year-old son has written a story about a ghost that lives in our refrigerator and eats only mustard and pickles. He runs it over to me and asks for me to read it.
It sucks.
But I don’t tell him that. I point out the creativity and the effort and ask him if he liked writing it.
He did. I praise the effort not the result. He becomes an English major with multiple short stories published.
Acceptable white lie.
Now, let’s say I have a friend that’s 40 years old. He’s been trying to write for years but hasn’t been successful. His writing hasn’t improved.
Same style. Same technique. Same boring results.
He doesn’t take care of himself or respect his craft.
What do you say to him?
Not an acceptable time for a white lie.
Time for a kick in the ass. I tell him it sucks. If you want to be a writer, get a teacher. Write everyday. Send out stories.
Do the work!
You’re not improving.
Get a job. Get out of your parent’s house. No time? Write at night. Get up at 6, or 5, or 4 and write. Can’t Do it? Then you are not being honest with yourself.
It’s my honest opinion. But it’s not meant to hurt.
Santa Claus and other untruths
Spoiler alert, Santa Claus isn’t real. You are lying to your kids. He doesn’t drop off presents to every house on Christmas eve.
But Santa can be a valuable tradition.
It is the difference between factual truth and moral truth. Santa doesn’t stuff our stockings but as a representation of the spirit of giving, and kindness, and love, we can learn truths about ourselves and an approach to the world.
As a father I tried to answer all the questions my son asked in an honest and age-appropriate manner. So, when he came one Christmas season at 5 and asked, “Do I still need to act like I believe in Santa to get presents?” I said no, Santa’s not real, and this led into a discussion about the meaning of Christmas, the myth of Santa, and the birth of Jesus.
All in our own particular way.
An honest conversation.
Try Aesop’s tale of The Tortoise and the Hare. The hare just ain’t going to ever lose to a tortoise in a race. It’s not meant to be the literal truth. It is meant to teach us a lesson on humility, and persistence, and showing respect to our competitors.
Or maybe it’s just teaching us not to be a cocky asshole.
Either way, a moral truth — which can differ from person to person — is meant to help us navigate the world within us. They are used to help us with our feelings, and our attitudes, and our behaviors. They are meant to help us form and shape our values.
Factual truth helps us understand the world.
Moral truth helps us understand ourselves.
Shouting louder or using all-caps does not make it true
Just because you say it loudly and with all the conviction in the world doesn’t make it true. You may have the best intentions and believe it with all your heart but, belief, does not make it true.
It may make you honest.
But it doesn’t make you right.
Or truthful.
Using the truth to deceive
The difference between truth and honesty often comes down to intention. Choosing to deceive or mislead using the facts is dishonest. It’s also becoming an art form.
If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell. — Carl Sandburg
Beware of these forms of deception:
Cherry Picking — Used by unscrupulous marketers, politicians, and other snake oil type salespeople. And loud shouting types. It’s selecting a fact from a report or study that supports your point but neglects to give the full context or mention the facts that do not.
Example: Pat the kangaroo is the new mascot for the local college. Enrollment increases by 25%. Must be Pat the kangaroo. But a scholarship program and a new dorm were added at the same time. Truthful that admissions went up when Pat came on board but not honest.
Small sample sizes — creating claims based on a very small group and using them to extrapolate greater success across a large population.
Example: New miracle drug for weight loss is tested on 10 people. Everyone loses weight. And the company markets the product as 100% effective. Dishonest. The sample size is too small to make any generalizations.
Out of context — Pulling a single line of content out of a 5-page report or study or interview and using it to support an alternative theory is dishonest. Same for quotes. Easy to create a little clickbait.
Example: In an interview with a young Brad Pitt, he described some of the jobs he had before acting. In one job, he was a driver, and often drove strippers to parties. One dancer recommended an acting coach to Brad that ended up helping him in his career. The interviewer then asked, “So, a stripper changed the course of your life?” And Brad, laughing, answered, “Strippers changed my life.” Headline the next day was, Brad Pitt: Strippers Changed My Life. A dishonest representation.
The telling-it-like-it-is crowd — used by bullies and bullshitters everywhere. It’s usually a sign that the speaker refuses to listen to anyone else, is trying to control the narrative and shut down any responses that do not support them. It’s often used to create a position of authority. Often combined with belittling or aggressive statements. It’s not used to communicate or be truthful but to injure.
How to determine truth, and honesty, from the bullshit
We all have built in BS meters. Problem is our first instinct is to believe. We trust other humans. It’s instinctual. If we called everyone a liar, we’d never be able to join the group.
And we’ve always needed groups.
It makes us vulnerable.
In place of a portable liar detector, try these techniques to ferret out the bullshit, from the truth, from honesty.
Check the source — If it’s a truth it will have a verifiable source. No source? Likely bullshit. A source is complete. You’ll get the whole story. Check for any omissions of facts.
Are there multiple sources — quality and quantity of sources are important. The Wall Street Journal and the New York Times are more reputable than Billy Bob’s Blog. Dig. Can it be verified in multiple sources?
Think — Does it make sense? Is the speaker biased? What are their intentions? Use your head. It’s there for a purpose. It’s our greatest weapon.
I should have learned my lesson
Long ago in a land of early wedded bliss, my wife walked down the stairs. We were going to dinner. She was about three months pregnant and just beginning to show.
“I’m getting so big,” she said.
She wasn’t.
My response?
“Not as big as you’re going to get, honey.”
Should have gone with the “You’re beautiful.”
Think about it…
Never tell the truth to people who are not worthy of it.
― Mark Twain
Ok, I love Twain, but really, what’s he saying here? I believe that the truth is important regardless. Perhaps he is saying to choose your friends and confidants carefully. Are there people in your life that don’t value honesty, or the emotions or information you share with them?
SHould they be in your life if they don’t value the truth?
Do it…
Read: The Street by Ann Petry - it’s a masterpiece. And Resurrection Walk by Michael Connelly - fun read. It’ll be read and gone as soon as I get my hands on it. Comes out on Nov. 7th. My favorite Connelly character just ahead of Bosch.
Check out my book store for lots of book lists and recommendations.
Eat it: Cuban Sandwich. Being a Florida boy because my wife told me I have to live here means I love a good cuban. This weekend I make it myself. But I’ll use Brioche col Tuppo bread from a local bakery.
Run it: Up to 3 miles a day. JiuJitsu Saturday morning. And I’m developing a stretching program. Not sure where to go with it. Ideas? Let me know.
Stuff for the secret jock inside of everyone…
NFL: (as usual, if you use this for betting purposes, you’re probably going to lose.)
Last week’s record: 11 - 3 (Back on track.)
Season’s Record: 69 - 33
NFL Week 7:
Jaguars vs. Saints - Jaguars Trevor Lawrence is questionable but I expect him to play.
Lions vs. Ravens - Lions, big test. Are the Lions for real. I believe so.
Raiders vs. Bears - Raiders
Browns vs. Colts - Browns
Bills vs. Patriots - Bills, Patriots are going to end up with a top five draft pick
Commanders vs. Giants - Commanders, close one.
Falcons vs. Buccaneers - Bucs
Steelers vs. Rams - Rams
Cardinals vs. Seahawks - Seahawks
Packers vs. Broncos - Packers
Chargers vs. Chiefs - Chiefs
Dolphins vs. Eagles - Eagles ( I actually hope I lose this one. But don’t think the Eagles lose two in a row.)
49ers vs. Vikings - 49ers